Fourth period had not started, yet Kennedy already felt like an extreme outcast. Her entire English class has grouped off to talk and gossip. Kennedy sat alone at her desk and flipped mindlessly through her binder in attempt to look preoccupied. Two girls, Jessica and Andy, sat on top of the two desks next to Kennedy. Jessica had recently dyed her hair jet black, which clashed with her light brown brows. Her drab brown eyes always seemed to lack emotion. Andy’s pitch black eyeliner and mascara harshly stood out against her porcelain skin and platinum blonde hair. Andy stretched out her legs and continued talking to Jessica.
Kennedy pulled out her Perks of Being a Wallflower book because she hated awkwardly starring into space as everyone else around her looked at her as the loner. She didn’t really read it, it was more of a prop to hide behind. She just sat there and couldn’t help but overhear Jessica and Andy talking about their newly obtained birth control and plans to go to the gym later that evening to burn off all one thousand calories they talked about planning to eat today.
English drug on for two hours, but to Kennedy it felt like twice as long. She hated that there was no creative writing in high school, only “literary responses”. She had always thought it was more important to be capable of writing your own material as opposed to dissecting hundred year old novels to bits. How much of this supposed subliminal messaging had the author even really intended? Surely not as much as the English department claimed.
When the bell finally rang, every other kid in the class rushed out to be with their friends. Kennedy had no reason to rush. Lunch was her least favorite time of day. She wasn’t very social and often found it hard to deal with Alyssa’s polar opposite personality, particularly when Jasey wasn’t around. Jasey got the privilege of being able to go home at the start of lunch because she had no after lunch classes, to Kennedy’s dismay.
Kennedy stalled by slowly putting away her textbook and binder and writing utensil. It didn’t buy her much time, but at least it was something. She left her class and decided to take the long route to where she hung out at lunch. On her way there, she passed Ethan and his friend Jason.
“‘Ey! Kennedy!” Ethan shouted at her. She was hoping she could manage to slip by without being noticed.
Kennedy sighed and turned to face them. “What?”
“Found any new guys to fuck with yet? Oh, and of course I don’t mean have sex with” he forced emphasis on the last phrase, “because we all know you don’t put out. You’re just a tease. I mean you lead things on to an inevitable end.” Ethan smirked and crossed his arms over his chest.
Kennedy smirked back. “Ooooh, someone’s a little bitter. It’s not my fault you fell for me so hard in, what, three weeks?”
The smirk quickly faded. “How many guys have you led on, exactly? There was Jason and me, but how many before that?” He paused and was quick to hide the hurt. “How big of a whore are you?”
She couldn’t help but laugh. “Any hurt you received was your own fault.”
“No. The two coldest places on this earth are Antarctica and your heart.” He said with a straight face and a tense stance. He truly believed it to his core.
That remark hit Kennedy hard. She naturally clenched her teeth together. “Your actions are why it didn’t work out.”
“Are you kidding?” Ethan laughed, but Kennedy and Jason could hear it was forced and fake. “I did everything any girl could want. I complimented you constantly, I wanted to meet your parents and have you meet mine, I got you presents, I agreed to wait. What else could you possibly want? I was the perfect gentleman to you!”
“That’s the problem- guys assume that every girl wants the same thing. Every guy thinks that ever girl wants to be told they are attractive, or smart, or that the girl is all the guy can think about. I didn’t want any of that. I know I have an average appearance. I know I’m generally intelligent, but definitely no genius. I don’t need a guy to lie to boost my confidence. Guys think all girls want those things, and in most cases they do, so they abuse it. All I ask is that a guy can assure me that I am a good person, never lie to me, and can respect me and my choices- even if he can’t understand them. That’s all I want. Forget presents, I’m simple if you just spend five minutes to figure that out.” Kennedy didn’t bother to wait and hear a retort. Some part of her wanted to know Jason’s stance on the whole issue, but the wiser part of her knew that if she did it would tear her apart.
When the final bell of the day rang, Kennedy felt a moment of relief. She rushed to her car and then rushed home and rushed to her laptop. She spent almost five hours reading old blog entries dating two years back and listening to her music. Her phone buzzed on the ground next to her. She contemplated answering it for a moment and flipped it over to read the caller ID. It was Alyssa. She opened the text, which only made Kennedy feel worse. ‘done with ur history essay?’
She ran her hand aggressively over her face. Kennedy had forgotten about it. ‘Haven’t started.’
Five minutes later, Alyssa replied again. ‘oh... u should get on that. i g2g, ttyl!’
Kennedy sighed aggressively. She loved her friend, but sometimes she would love to just scream in her face.
She tossed her phone across the room and clenching her eyes shut. Her laptop was balancing on her lap with every heavy breath. She was wearing a sweatshirt, underwear, and slippers and didn’t care much about it either. All she cared about now was comfort. Her makeup had smeared off her face and her hair was only half contained in the bun she flipped it into three hours ago.
Kennedy felt like she was on the verge of breaking. She felt like her composure was being held on by a string. She could tell a breakdown was coming. The words from Ethan. The amount of school work that would be expected from her tomorrow. The upcoming tests that would make or break her slipping grades. Her breathing was so deep that she felt it all the way down to her bellybutton. It shook her body. She pushed her laptop off of her but let the music continue to blast. She knew she couldn’t bear to listen to what was coming.
The two coldest places on this earth are Antarctica and your heart. The two coldest places on this earth are Antarctica and your heart. The two coldest places on this earth are Antarctica and your heart. The two coldest places on this earth are Antarctica and your heart. The two coldest places on this earth are Antarctica and your heart. The two coldest places on this earth are Antarctica and your heart. The two coldest places on this earth are Antarctica and your heart.
The words wouldn’t stop. They replayed over and over and over again in her head like a song being played on a loop.
She sunk from having her back up against the wall to having her body on the floor of her bedroom. She rolled to her side and pulled her knees as close to her chest as possible. Her shaky breathing turned to pathetic whimpering. Her shoulders curled inward. She was crying, yet no tears came out.
Kennedy couldn’t decide if she should force this to an end or just let herself be. She just wanted to feel better. She just wanted to get the feelings back; the feelings that she was incapable of identifying. She felt like something was broken inside of her. She felt lost and overly anxious and pathetic. She desired to be as emotionally content as she was in third grade- but high school is in a league of its own.
All of her control had now vanished. Tears slowly started to drip from her eyes. Not many, but enough. Silent cries called out from her throat. She had finally cracked. She prided herself on her emotional detachment. She hadn’t cried in eight years and that made her feel strong and powerful, but now that all had vanished. For the first time in her life, she experienced crying herself to sleep.
Sorry! I know it's been months since I've written, but I honestly plan on sticking to this story. I love it and am committed to it. School was just too hectic to fit in any writing time. Let me know what you think. (: -Kimmie